Andy! ANDY!!

Walking around the village, thinking about how it is. Thinking of him and how he’s leaving, singing somebody I used to know quietly to myself as I walk by the nutbox, do you know I helped him build that? thinking about what I’m doing here, maybe I should go to la and do like channing tatum maybe I’m just never going to be successful and I’ll always be poor and no one will know what I thought of lola vs and my films won’t be produced and I’ll have went to tisch and studied acting and come into my own for a minute, but not the full 15. I have a black zit on my cheek that won’t go away and I’m picking at it like a druggie which is why it’s there. forget every insecurity. Whatever brought you here tonight. Free yourself. I’m channeling lady gaga. I’m channeling lana del rey. And Whitman via. I’ve got james franco and did you hear blake lively just married. Ryan renolds. I thought that was nice, though why I care about these people when nobody cares about me. not one person believes I can do this. Let’s not succumb to the dark side. It’ll win if you indulge. It’s so beautiful out. The park is so green, and the sun is going down maybe in a couple hours and there’s a chill in the air for the first time in a long time and the new kids are in town and I thought I didn’t love them but I do, all these people coming through the city, why am I hanging on? Maybe because I’m the underdog now I’ll get to be the winner later. But maybe. But who’s trying to create a narrative here? I’m just telling it like it is. I think there’s more value to that then a morality play. My movie doesn’t go anywhere and there’s the scenes growing up in Idaho with my mother always working and being so strong and stoic and getting through it all, getting us raised and moving to florida where she sees it all perfectly clear and it was all worth it and she is happy and has everything she ever wanted. And there’s my sister who I’m not close with. And there’s me. my fashion equilvalent just walked by, followed by dr flux, and did you know lance Armstrong was just in someone’s office today and he looked fine. Why? With her face turned to beauty she succumbed. Do you wanna hear what’s in my movie? The details. Coming to new york and realizing what poor really meant. Not having a moment. The immediacy of starvation. Heavy handed? Self-reflective? And why would he be self reflective on the page, and why would he produce all this work, calling himself an artist but none of it is worked on it’s all too rough to enjoy and does it have anything to do with his lifestyle. Surely there’s no such thing as a flawed personality. And with her face turned toward the seven faces of intention. She looked harder and harder and her being was swept out of her and ran along the flwoing grass and the people who we must love and the wonderful wonderful. Andy! ANDY! Here’s what my movie would like, here’s how it would end, here’s what it’s about, here’s what makes sense. I come to nyu, I don’t know anyone for the first half of my first year except the people on my floor in my dorm on the south eastern corner of the park I’m sitting in right now and (this is a myth, complete with all elements of myth and legend, this is how the symbols align) and I’ve come from Idaho and I have acne still but not for long it’s just about to clear up but my friend tara who I knew from a comprehensive sex education summit I attended in wa dc last year comments on how I need face wash, not mentioning anything else. I meet my people after first semester, it’s quite the love affair and it’s happening like it would in my movie, I’m working at Abercrombie and she comes up to me and later says she knew we would be best friends, she’s a dirty rascal, a big drinker, not your average, and so pretty and her friends are perfect compliments to the perfectly formed group, we are so perfect, there’s sara who’s nurturing and smart and very sexy and aren’t we all, and there’s Amelia who’s sassy and smart and driven and then there’s kobi who brought it all together. And they’re my friends so famously, we get along. We understand each other and see we’ve met the people we were meant to. And they’re so much fun, we squeeze the fun out of everything and the fashion and our conversation and city and then thank god I get into tisch because this story would have ended much sooner if that little detail hadn’t worked out because what was I going to do I’d basically flunked out of my major: undeclared. And I had always intended to be an actor, always knew that was what I wanted to study at college, I just hadn’t auditioned because I didn’t think I’d be able to pay for nyu even if I got in but I won a scholarship named after martin luther king for all the good work I did in the community teaching comprehensive sex ed and lobbying for equality and safety. I was quite the force of nature. But you know what they say. Inertia. Every tide has it’s day. Does anyone say that? can you keep the conversations with yourself to a minimus, someone might be reading this.